countdown: 4 days

4 days to go... and kuya's out of here. woke up at 7:30 PM and i passed by his room. he's home early and he's starting to pack his things.

it's a sad sight - kuya filling in a black backpack with some of his shirts, some pillow cases, and a few more kuya-stuff. and i just told him, "aww...". he replied, "ma-mi-miss mo ba ko?". "hindi," i lied. and left him to hide tiny tears.

no superman part 2

i've always found strength in my mikey. he works on weekdays and attends classes on saturdays. plus extra-curricular activities i.e., watching the UAAP, spending time with me, and sometimes going out with his friends on weekends. he's as strong as a horse... i swear!

and i find him invulnerable to pain and sickness. he only gets sick of colds or cough or mild fever, and that's it. he gets tired from time to time but i know he has the strength to get by no matter how tiring his activities are. aba dapat lang. with his appetite, super solid ang mga trip nyang ulam e no!

while i'm lame and payatot, i think he's leaner and mightier. while i'm a cry baby and immature, i think he's sensible and mature and objective. while i have no bilbil at all as in flat tummy, i think his bilbil is so big eeeww yak (wehehe dead ako neto. of course, i'm joking 'cause i do have eeeww bilbil). while i'm moody and impatient and sungit, he's the suyo-kita and ever patient type. see, he's really strong! makes me think sometimes that he's a super mega hyper creature.

pero... as i've made my point on my latter post, i have to keep in mind that he's just human too... and he does get sick, and his body doesn't function at its optimum level at all times, and he's also rushed to the hospital just like any human being who feels unwell, and i can't get to his side always, and the only thing i could guarantee is that he's thought of so much and i'm worried as hell, and i get misinterpreted by other people for not being there at a time like that, and i can't keep telling them that i'll be there if only i could, and i'm judged like hell... just because they don't know me. well tell you what, i don't know you too so don't give me that crap - and they're probably drunk. and i get helpless too just like a regular human being. 'cause after all, i'm no superman too. :(

no superman part 1

the elderly couple lolo heny and lola felicing are our quasi-relative, friendly neighbors. they have always been here for us, acting like boy ang girl scouts. we don't even have to ask for their help 'cause their hands are just there always extended by default. all we need to do is grab them.

lolo heny has always been our landscape artist. naks. that simply means he takes care of the plants surrounding our house. he loves plants and flowers and it is his pleasure to arrange and take care of our plants. everything is lush and pretty. oh, he does this knowing he gets nothing in return - nothing but sheer bliss that is the product of his tending to green life.

growing old means certain body parts will eventually fail to function as expected. for lolo heny's case, his gall bladder (if i remember it right) is failing. he was rushed to the hospital for an operation that almost took his life. thank God he's now getting well in his daughter's house in muntinlupa.

it was here that we visited him last sunday, and what i saw devastated me. the usual upbeat, mestizo lolo heny is now so thin. there's a tube that's connected to his stomach that secretes the bile. he manages to walk, but it is very evident that it's not easy for him. top it all with words that signify he's almost giving up. he said hirap na hirap na sya. and i'm not used to hearing pessimistic words from him.

when somebody is constantly there, you don't notice that they're just people who are also subject to wear and tear, that they get weak over time, and that no matter how wonderful and great their souls are, they're no superman at all. that's what makes us human after all. we bleed, we cry, we learn to say good bye, and we adapt once we are left behind - no matter how painful the whole process is.

i will root

in tagalog... uugatan na ako paghihintay... betchabygollywow naman 2AM na! kanina pa ko 9PM naghihintay naman naman.

ni-message ko sa IM, mga 10x na. itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang estregun. "hi, estregun". magfo-follow-up lang naman ako ng fixes sa issues para matapos na to... hindi nya ko pinapansin. :( 10x na ko nag "hi, estregun" i swear! dine-deadma nya ko! since last week pa.

tapos, nag-email ako ng issues... dinedma nya rin! betchaby talaga... dumarami lalo varicose veins ko eh... waaah! natatamad na ko maghintay!

mapapanood ako ng manhunt nyan... eto na malapit na... natetempt na ko... argh...

si kuya

kuya's leaving... soon. he finally got what he's been hoping and praying for. either that, or God granted my birthday wish - that He give what kuya is asking for, if that will be the best for him. or maybe, God listened to us both. we're equally loved then. :) as if there are favorites, duh! hehe.

kuya has been eyeing this good opportunity. he says it's about time he prepare for his future and he really wants to marry his gf soon. i'm so proud of him for having been transformed into someone i could look up to. he's changed over the years to become a man i could proudly refer to as, "kuya ko yan!".

as younger kids, we used to fight a lot. he was the antagonist, i was the underdog. he was the teaser, i was the cry-baby. i dunno if it had something to do with him being older, and with him being male, but we definitely were cats and dogs back then. and they were always on my side. who wouldn't be touched and comfort a crying tiny girl? and who wouldn't look down and point their fingers on a bad bully? hehehe...

despite all those fights, i could never forget that time when we were playing taguan with our neighbor playmates. i might have been the youngest among the pack, thus the slowest and the weakest weakling - that meant i had to be IT for the longest time! i just can't catch anybody! or make it to base before they do! and i was teary-eyed... just too tired of being IT, i guess. kuya noticed that i was all upset and he volunteered to be IT, and he took my post. awww. my big brother. my savior.

i could tell him everything, i could ask him anything. although there's still this wall of personal space, i know it's something we won't mind breaking or trespassing.

it hasn't really penetrated my system yet, the part that processes the major changes of life, but everyday i know we're getting there. and i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness too. i guess he's the next best thing to the father i never had and we've been pretty close now that we're older. we learned to share the same interests and i swear kuya is the type of person who could convince me to buy a jacket in a desert, or have a halo-halo in a snowstorm. :( i just believe in him, agree with him, and i know that his systems work. and yeah, he's earned my respect over the years.

oh, but he hasn't earned my love... you see, it's one thing that's innate. i'll miss you, big, silly, smelly guy! :( fly high but never fail to look back. keep our love in your pockets and it might just do you more wonders. have more faith in God and have more optimism. i think you have to work a little overtime for those two fields. above all, be a good boy and never ever forget to make your presence felt always. i luvya so much!

happy 2nd year anniversary...

sa blog ko! woohoo!

2 years of every emotion imaginable. :) i guess this is my longest running journal. sometimes, i manage to filter raging emotions into artsy words... sometimes i don't. hahaha... it is during those times i somehow regret how i say things. hehehe. like, did i just say that? but hey... i know i have the power to delete posts... edit the way i say things to make them sound subtle. but i don't. hehe maybe i just choose to say those... no matter how bitchy i may sound. sheesh. hehe. that is, after all, how i really feel. :)

and when i feel happy, i REALLY portray that i am happy. proofs are my sometimes overly exaggerated elated posts. to the highest level ba... hehe.

everything started out as a gaya-gaya stuff... with my college buddies. it so happened that, back then, i had a lot of hurt emotions that i had to let out. :) so blog it is. sige mega pour out ng mga emotions chuva na kaartehan ko lang naman din siguro. hehe. i think up to now, every single post e kaartehan ko lang din. hihi. life is a big piece of kaartehan... that's what i believe in. take away kaartehan, and you take away the colors of life. :)

btw, the hot pink sakit-sa-mata layout is the original layout. nothing's changed. except for the tadtad-mukha-ko pictures... hehe. i'll probably keep it this way... for a long time. :)

i choose to be positive

sabi ni aling merriam at ni manong webster, ang positive at negative ay nangangahulugang,
positive: 'pä-z&-tiv, 'päz-tiv - having a good effect : FAVORABLE (a positive role model) b : marked by optimism

negative: 'ne-g&-tiv - lacking positive qualities; especially : DISAGREEABLE b : marked by features of hostility, withdrawal, or pessimism that hinder or oppose constructive treatment or development (a negative outlook) (negative criticism)

i know i sometimes have my crazy spells of pessimism. and i have no excuse for moments like that. how lame could PMS sound? yeah. maybe i could choose to be so in control of my hormones. and maybe i could choose to be so in control of my outlook in life.

if there's one thing i recall in tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom, it's how morrie said we should deal with sadness. first, acknowledge the feeling of sadness... grieve and cry if you must. and then give it you best shot and say, "ok i know now how it feels to be sad. it's now time for me to give way to my other emotions... like happiness maybe?". and then smile. :)

i was watching magandang umaga bayan (or is the title magandang umaga pilipinas?) this morning, and there was this very interesting topic on staying optimistic and keeping the negative vibrations off limits to your life.

i'll do my best to recall the stuff they enumerated. i think it's really neat piece of information. something i could read everyday... to ward off whatever evil forces there are that try to contain caths. :)

tips:

iwasang maging materialistic

iwasang maging competitive

patawarin ang iyong sarili at ang kapwa mo

sa simula ng bawat araw (gabi for my case), magpasalamat para sa bagong araw at sa mga biyayang natatanggap mo

bago matulog, bilangin ang mga magagandang bagay na nangyari sa 'yo. kung wala, isipin ang mga magagandang bagay na pwedeng mangyari sa 'yo bukas

humarap sa salamin, sabihin mong, "ang ganda ko naman ngayon!"

pag may lumait sa hitsura mo, isipin mo na lang na maaaring may problema sya, or "ok lang, maganda naman ako." (isipin mo lang, kse kung ilalakas mo, baka mag-away kayo)

* items in red font are my favorites! :)

i'm not saying that there'll be 0% negative posts on my blog. that would be my way of acknowledging the sadness... the moving on part follows, hopefully! :)